How Important Is It For A Woman to be in Control of her Own Moolah ???

Namaste! ,Good Day,Guten Tag and MasalALkhair to all my followers and soon-to-be followers out there!

I got some real good response on my last blog about that was about :-

"DUMB Men Decisions SMART Women Make" (Not stereotyping please) and I thought I should share my thoughts on another Epidemic a lot of Women face these days. Well, Men face it too but I'll get to that on a different post.... Wait for itttt !!!!

Ladies..Who pulls your purse strings??? Who plans your finances? Investments? Shopping Budgets?

How much you should spend at the salon?? Do you have a saving of your own?? Who decides if you can treat yourself when you need a little pampering and some alone time?? Who decides when you need a break and when you can have a break?? 

The answer to this question in my perspective and experience should be "I Do" still taking into consideration those around you and current circumstances..but it should still be "I Do" ...

Now I cant say much for the ladies out there who get whatever they want at their every beck and call from either their boyfriends, husbands, in-laws, parents and those who absolutely don't need to lift a finger.. however for those of us who have jobs..families..expectations..goals..careers etc, its a Different Ball Game Altogether...

I think I'm angry.. No I'm pissed offffff!! with the fact that so many women succumb to financial abuse in their relationships in different forms... Now Financial Abuse may seem like a strong legal term but it is not just that.. It starts at home in very small forms and finally leads to a form of Abuse...

I've got a couple scenarios here:
1. Your a working girl, married to your boyfriend of 5years and living together obviously.. You both earn, you live a life jointly, you spend together, save together, plan and invest together, and you're both quite happy with it cos maybe you save more cos your both involved in each others finances so the urge to spend isn't as much as it would be if you had the money all to yourself.
So far, it's a pretty ok picture... Now comes Part 2.
The man starts taking control of the finances, in the sense ofcourse treats your earnings and his earnings as one, hence you really dont play a part in the monthly cycle of clearing off bills, expenses, debts, living costs etc. He takes care of all of it and your doing alright. In face your relieved you don't have to do it yourself.
Then you literally come to a hand-to-mouth situation cos whenever you need money, cash, credit card etc you have to ask.. and when you ask..you have to explain..and after you explain..you need to justify...and during all this, he's busy talking you out of it, or telling you its not important or maybe you're just unable to do anything cos he just doesn't want to support you at the time..
When you get annoyed or angry and feel that your being denied what you deserve, you then realize that at that particular point of time, you don't have an option. Well, you do have an option and that's to talk it out and tell him if you want a change in the way things run.. or maybe you just leave.!!

What if none of this works? Hes determined he's the man in charge and wants to remain that way. He would like to have a complete account of what you spend, where, how much, why etc.. He does not think you need to be in control of your own finances. If you want to spend a day at the salon, he would probably like to give you a budget. If you want to do some shopping, he would probably tell you, "this month's not a good one, next month you can". Let's say you have parents whom you support from time to time financially and he does not think it's required that you do anymore of it since its now your job to support him and you as a family.

What do think Ladies?? Do you think this is a sign of a healthy relationship? Do you think it's right for a man to claim such ownership of what's your's , what you've worked hard for , what you deserve to tangibly feel when you need to ?
This article is not supporting selfishness or assuming that couples out there, split the rent, the food bill and everything else. It's about being in control of your individuality, your Life, your security and what makes you, YOU, without having to compromise at the cost of losing to a marriage or any relationship for that matter.

Now, there are many women out there who would say
" I like my man taking charge of everything around here as long as I get what I need" - I think that's being complacent and lazy"
Others might say
"I tend to spend a lot, so I think its better HE be in control of my finances"

I say ----- BULL SHIT !!!
If your working and earning and doing everything your man does, he has no right to lock down your finances and you are making a big mistake by letting him take over.
If you tend to spend a lot, there's something called a Piggy Bank or a Fixed Deposit or your Parents if it suits you...

2. Your married to a wonderful guy for the last 3 years and you and he have been used to HIM handling all your expenses and him taking care of literally both of your's lives . At the time you were much younger and felt fine being taken care of, but now you seem to want a sense of ownership and a sense of control of your life which would include your finances. Your husband isn't happy with this sudden change in you and feels as the head of the family its his job only to take care of all the finances and if and when you do need any for yourself, you need to ask.
When you say, you cant function that ways cos you don't want to have to ask , he would try and cripple you by not giving you money for any expenses or might give you less money or make you ask (beg) for Money.

No personal bank accounts.  No debit card.  No savings accounts.  No checking account.  All money comes from one source.  The working partner. 

He Threatens to leave or deny financial support knowing that you are unable to support herself without the finances of her partner.  

What you gotta do about this ?

• LEAVE - Plan your way swiftly or slowly out of such a relationship. Relationships like this most of the time wouldn't work cos so much is based on power.
• Reach out to trusted friends and relatives.
• Skim Money from wherever - every penny adds up - Open a bank account and stash money up.
• Establish Credit
• Get a Job and Get Out.

Now Ladies, this might be your last option after trying everything to make it work and as hard as it sounds and it is.... you've gotta do it.. This is FINANCIAL ABUSE at it's peak. 

All In All, I strongly want to reach out to all the women out there, whether your working, whether your a housewife, a live-in girlfriend - BE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE - and your FINANCES. We all know how difficult it is to make a livelihood, last thing you need is a man making it worse for you. 

He may love you, and may want to spend the rest of his life with you, but a man who cripples you and who thinks of the relationship as a POWER Game is not a man at all. 

This is a sensitive matter to many and on hearing so many stories about such women and their lives makes me want to dedicate this to every woman out there. 

Make sure you know what your doing. Never give up full control of anything in your life.

I want you to share your story if you have one and I want to know what you think about this particular article and i welcome suggestions of what you want to discuss next time.

Until then,

Namaste!, Good Night, Guten Nacht & Tisbah Ala Khair <3

Why "WE" Smart Women Make DUMB "MEN" choices.

Goodevening, Guten Tag and Masah Al Khair.. Specially to ALLLL my Ladies out there today !!!

Number 1 - Before you attack and question me on why I just admitted the thought that "SMART Woman Make Dumb "MEN" choices" ... Let me just say, this does not apply to all and even if it does to YOU then there is a reason and the reasons make sense.. 

Number 2 - Men!!! Don't go all Kung-Fu-Fighting on me..Our CHOICES are dumb.. not YOU (well not most of the time).

How many of us smart, educated, independent, glamorous, self-made, hot-to-trot women end up with men who cannot handle the attributes and character I just mentioned present in a woman??

I know I was one of them and I know many friends and others out there on the same boat.. 

Note: I said I WAS one of them.. Which obviously means I did something about it and I'm urging all you lovely ladies out there to do so as well.

I also want to stress that I in no way am insinuating that average women, with average life-styles or those who aren't much OUT there end up with great men all the time.. It basically depends from woman to woman and man to man..However, there is a major rise in the number of independent,smart,well-off women facing multiple relationship issues more than a regular Girl-next-door kind of woman faces.

Reasons I feel contribute to the latter :

1. Smart, Independent, Enterprising, Intelligent Women rule the roost at work. Outside our work environment, we crave a certain type of attention which includes a husband or a boyfriend taking charge of things and sometimes backfires on us.
2. Many Women who are very Enterprising, Corporate material, Self-made Businesswomen or just Women in general who have strong characters, charming personalities and self-made minds lack mental or emotional instability. Again, this is not an epidemic, this applies to women like me and others out there battling through their everyday relationship issues. 
3. Interestingly -  WE DON'T LIKE TO ASK FOR HELP. In a very interesting article I read a while ago, a literary critic and writer Nilanjana Roy questions "the prevailing culture which insists that the beautiful and the successful should be placed under the burden of also having to be flawless — why they can't always ask for or get the help and support they need. We still live in a society where it's considered a sign of weakness to ask for help, or to admit to having problems.                               "The surface counts for more than what's going on inside, and that burden is doubled for the beautiful and the successful." (I'm going to come back to this emphatic point in the latter part of my write-up)
4. Many such women suffer from emotional insecurity and are looking for easy ways to fulfil their emotional, psychological and physical needs , not knowing the unseen damage they are doing to themselves in the process.
5. Some women fitting this particular profile do not have many REAL friends. Their associations are limited to professional surroundings, social gatherings, family occasions and otherwise random associations which sometimes spurt out frequently but die out in short periods again.
6. Many of us Fail in the first step of our male friend/partner/mate search.                           THE WRONG KIND OF MEN ATTRACT US or WE EASILY FALL INTO THE TRAP OF RIDICULOUSLY ROMANTIC LOVERS.  (I will be coming back to this emphatic point in the later part of this article).
7. We try to substitute LOVE and Emotional Security through Monetary pleasures, Material possessions, Alcohol (Woohooooo!!!), Arm Candy (High Five!!!),  and temporary friendships with people we have nothing in common with.
8. If in case we're not substituting, we go the long haul and end up in serious relationships which put us through various highs and lows with overly possessive, strong character, Father Like, dictating MEN WHO JUST CANNOT HANDLE YOU. (I will come back to this emphatic point soon)
9. Another important contributor to this is WE WOMEN LACK AN EMOTIONAL VENT. Vents can come in various forms, it could be a Sport, could be the Gym, could be Movies and Popcorn, could be THERAPY, could be Timed Vacations, could be SPIRITUAL GOALS, could be Writing a BOOK, could be Baking, could be Community Service, could be a PET etc etc. 
10. Last but not the least, not giving yourself enough space and time to understand that there is someone out there who can handle someone as strong-willed, as dynamic as awesome as you, yet someone who can bring out the lady, the lover, the woman, the little girl, the caring and loving side in you.

How Much Sense Does This Picture Quote Make To You ???

I had mentioned above a few emphatic points I was going to return to and elaborate on a little so here they are - (Each point is not being mentioned here as advice but just to get my thoughts out there based on experiences and lots of chats with other women going through the same everyday).

•  "THE SURFACE COUNTS FOR MORE THAN WHATS GOING ON INSIDE, AND THAT BURDEN IS DOUBLED FOR THE BEAUTIFUL AND THE SUCCESSFUL"

What does the above statement mean ?? It means that a woman's outward appearance (her smile, her hair, her body, her laugh,her voice, her speech, her clothing) do not accurately present what is truly going on inside her. 

She could be sporting a 100 watt Smile, she could be decked up looking happy and radiant in her new Versace dress.. but she could be crying for help on the inside. She could be craving love and attention. Maybe she just wants someone to GET HER today. Maybe she would for once in her life not need to be in control of every second. Maybe she just needs a KISS or a HUG from someone warm and compassionate.

Maybe all she expects from her husband is a bunch of flowers for no specific reason but just because SHE IS .

Maybe she just wants to be understood and not condemned or not questioned and not cornered every minute she makes a statement or makes a bold move. 

Maybe she just wants to be Loved and Supported. For once maybe she doesn't need the criticism she's been getting all her life from her father, to her brother, to her peers, to her boyfriends, to her colleagues, to her boss and now from her partner.

Maybe SHE JUST WANTS YOU TO UNDERSTAND.

•  "THE WRONG KIND OF MEN ATTRACT US or WE EASILY FALL INTO THE TRAP OF RIDICULOUSLY ROMANTIC LOVERS. "

Wrong Kind of MAN ? holler..holler..holler !!! (I know don't get me wrong)

There is a wrong type of man for every woman & a wrong type of woman for every man. 

How can you determine the Wrong/Right kind of man for you ??

• What do you have in common? Like seriously besides the same food, same faith, same hangouts and the same friends.
• Does he have the same attributes or resemble the same guy you last had a failed relationship with?
• Have you healed from situations that left you scarred in relationships before?
• What are you looking for? Sugar Daddy?Arm Candy?Good Looking Gay friend?Lover? Boyfriend? Marriage Partner?

I urge us women who fit the description of educated, independent, strong-willed, opinionated, smart, intelligent, beautiful and stubborn  - Please don't settle or crave Men who are dominating, who expect submission to the extent of what you can wear or how you should behave, how much money you can spend, what you should and should not spend on. 

(If this character of man suits you and you have no issues at all - SUIT YOURSELF.. I WISH YOU THE BEST)

We've got to look for a balance. If I'm a strong-willed woman and an independent woman who doesn't necessarily need a man/husband to live a full and happy life, I can't go and find myself a "Daddy" and expect us to work out perfectly fine. Being the kind of woman I am, I probably need someone who understands me, treats me well emotionally, appreciates and loves my independent nature, loves the fact that he doesn't need to babysit me, and just loves that fact that I am a Whole Woman and enjoys me just the way I am.

I do not believe in fairy tales and even with the best combination of partners your relationship can still suck and hit the ground even before it takes off, however chances are less if you are patient but at the same time not lazy and you get off your bum and go find yourself a man that will Love you unconditionally. They are out there. Kudos to those who are blessed and find the right man without having to hunt. 

All I can say is - You can be the best of You . You can't be the best of anyone else and there is someone out there who wants the best of You and can bring out the best in you.

•  "MEN WHO JUST CANNOT HANDLE YOU"

Now I have a list here and I'm sorry if it offends anyone but as i said earlier, I am not counselling or giving advice. This is based on my experience and friends close to me and the general vibe I'm getting from the world out there.

For a woman who has everything she needs in life or can obtain it on her own ie;  intelligence, brains, career, financial security, material luxuries, a spiritual connection,etc           

CANNOT pursue or have a successful relationship with a man who :

1. Likes to be the decision maker in ever area of his and your life except maybe the dinner menu and the colour of your curtains.

2. Wants to have a complete hold of both of your finances and savings and purchase plans.

3. Expects you to be a Stunner by profession and an angelic presence at home.

4. Requires you to be submissive to him as the head of the house so as to agree that his WORD is final.

5. Expects you to give up your personal goals or career plans or family obligations at the drop of a hat when he feels its time for you to be completely devoted to FAMILY.

6. Suffers from a complex that you get a lot of attention at work and are preoccupied a lot leaving him dejected. 

7. Sets a curfew for you and maybe stretches by an hour if important.

8. Has conditional love for you - (My Way or The Highway)

I could almost go on and on. Again, I don't mean to offend any woman or man through this article of mine but if either does get offended because what I'm saying makes undeniable sense, I'm glad your offended. 

I would for once like us successful women to step up and take stock of our lives and see how much of it we have wasted because we have made wise choices when it came to MEN. Its not the Man's fault completely, neither is it yours. Both are equally responsible for their choices and the damage caused. Question is - Will you work around and try and compress the damage or Will you be strong enough to accept who you are , love who you are and call it a day ? One day you are going to find a partner who is going to reassure you of your very presence and Love you for the very Woman you are.

I'm hoping my readers will understand the intent and emotion with which I have written this piece and I would love to hear your stories so please do not hesitate to share them. You can stay anonymous if you please but hearing your story will give me more inspiration to keep writing for the very reason that is You.

Good Day, Guten Tag and Masah Al Khair <3

Frieda

BEING YOURSELF !!! Why so Hard ????

Good Morning, Guten Morgen & Sabah Al Khair to All my Awesome people out there...
This is just my second post and I'm so glad to say that in just the last two days, I've got 200 Views on my blog on my first write-up about "LETTING GO!!"
A big THANK YOU, DANKE & SHUKRAN to all those who took the time to catch up with me through my blog.

TODAY's piece is inspired by a very well-known quote stated by Oscar Wilde - a very famous Irish Writer and Poet. What do you think ??

BE YOURSELF, EVERYONE ELSE IS ALREADY TAKEN !!!!!
Easier said than done huh!!!
How many of us have a tough time "Being Ourselves" ???? I know I did.. I had a major issue being my true self at all times..I sometimes felt as if I'm trying to and dying to live up to the standards of every single person that meant something to me starting from those in my family, to friends, to people at work to even just general people I came across at various places, social gatherings etc. Not saying I was a FAKE Person, I was immensely true in everything I did or said however, it was most of the time a MIRAGE people saw behind the suffering, hurt, depression, BAGGAGE and the worst part is I could never blame anyone and still cant because I WAS SO GOOD at HIDING IT ALL, even those that truly cared for me were never able to see what truly was going on...

I know so many people and close friends too in my life who literally bent over backwards and strove to BE SOMEONE ELSE just to be accepted, loved, cared for, or just thought of as an "AWESOME" person.

• Why do we stab ourselves with this PAIN ?? 
• How long you going to pretend to be someone else ?? Someone else you know nothing about ??
• Why do you find it so difficult to SPEAK OUT and Say What You Want To Say ?

I'm going to cite a few examples and I want those who read this to write back and tell me if you've ever been in this situation.

1. It's Friday Night, your back from work, you want to go out tonight, you get yourself ready.         Ladies - you put on your sexy pumps and the perfect little black dress.. Boys - you put on a crisp white shirt, denim jeans and those new Loafers you just bought last month. You call up a couple friends or you have a group you usually bump into at a club and you head out... You reach your destination and then you suddenly realize, you don't feel as good as you thought you would ?? Your surrounded by people you have nothing in common with...surrounded by music that doesn't make sense to you...surrounded by an atmosphere that pushes you into a shell .. What do you do ?? You have the option to walk out and do something else that would rather make you happy.. make you feel the way you want to on a Friday night... but NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! "My friends are going to think I'm a major party pooper" , or "I cant just leave.. I too want to have a good time.. So what if its not my kind of fun... I'll blend in!! "  DAMAGE DONE !! You return home at the end of night feeling the same way you felt before you left.. Alone, Not Rejuvenated, Uninspired and probably broke if your the kind who just blew up a whole lot of Moolah on the "FUN" time you were supposedly having.
2. It's Monday morning, your at work, you do it because you need a monthly income, you know its not what you really enjoy doing and there's maybe a lot of unethical stuff you need to do to keep yourself afloat in a company full of MBA Grads and Corporate LICK ASS's , some of who have got it really easy in life, but you would rather do that , than work a job that makes you truly happy and maybe you would get paid lesser, and you would not have the MAJOR MNC TAG on your CV and you probably wouldn't be accepted by a certain social strata. Now, we understand those who just have to for various financial reasons or certain obligations. However , how about the bunch of us out there who HAVE AN OPTION ?? You know you can be happier, better, healthier, mentally more stable, cleaner conscience and just HAPPY BEING YOU. Whats stopping you ?

My Thoughts :

We're damaging ourselves every second of the time we're pretending to be someone we're not. 

We're beating our spirits down every time we don't speak out, every time we just "GEL IN" with a crowd that does not have anything in common with you. (I'm not saying we should be social grumps and sit with a finger in our arse and just be really RIGID).

We're losing the art and the will to be " our true self" and it can do major damage to the extent that you find yourself clueless and running after temporary pleasures that leave you empty and strained out. 

HOPE

Be happy, Be free, Be Expressive,Be REAL = BE YOU
Its not as hard as it seems. The world is out there waiting to see you be yourself and love you for the very person and character you are. You can be the best of you with the best of people who want you just the way you are.
No point in stabbing yourself with pains that isn't even required. Life throws enough against you as it is. There's enough to deal with anyyywayyssss !!!
Love yourself, Love your ideas, Love who you are and what you want to be and if there's anyone who tells you different and makes you feel different below is a pictorial of what your response should be.

Hahahaaa !!! Just Love Yourself Darlings <3

Until next time
Good Day, Guten Tag & Masalama
Frieda

What's Love,Life,Labor & Leisure all about??

A Big Hello and a Hug and a Kiss to those few who are going to read this first ever blog post of mine..

This Blog is going to talk about all kinds of issues - personal, professional, psychological, and how you can battle it,cope with it, manage or get through it as I have been doing and hopefully Together we can overcome these barriers someday. 

Don't Worry - We're also going to have a lot of fun.. I want to take you all through journeys and I want to know about yours in our everyday life..

I don't want to start of with a major topic today but I want to give you all a glimpse of what I would share with everyone in the coming days. One of the most Dynamic and Amazing Women of our times  - Oprah Winfrey once said - 

"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure."

How many of us find it difficult to do "LET GO"?? Forget Daily! How many of us find it difficult to LET GO even a couple times a month or a year or ever in our life up until now??

What does "Letting Go" mean to us ? What kind of situations does "Letting Go" apply to?

My thoughts :

Letting go can apply to relationships, jobs, unwanted baggage, people, family, love, stress, tension, belief, faith etc. 

Letting go needn't necessarily require abandonment, resentment, deserting, bitterness, stress, violence, alcohol, drugs etc.

Letting go should be more about learning to accept certain realities and move on from those either by reconciliation or by moving away from these situations.

Sometimes I try so hard and I truly want to let go but I find emotional attachments , pressures, expectations, standards, commitments that come in the way. 

Its not bad to have some of these factors bind you in making the right decisions but when the situation in itself is not the right one for you to be in knowing yourself and how much you can handle, sometimes you don't have a choice but to "LET GO" and no matter how hard and difficult it is, it is but fair to yourself and to those around you that you "LET GO" and move on to newer experiences where you are not required to face the same situations to the best extent possible.

Forget about what people think or are going to say and who's going to have an opinion about your decision. YOU CANNOT MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY !! 

YOU CANNOT CHANGE EVERYONE !!

You have got to put "YOU" first in order to be able to be the best for the important people and the important events in your Life. If you don't have "YOU" in order, how are you ever going to be able to be the BEST you can in other people's lives and situations..?

I leave this discussion on this note and since its my first post, I would especially love to hear from each one of you that read this even if its a line about your life and how you are "LETTING GO" and if you have thoughts on any of the above.. 

Until my next POST, 

Goodnight, Guten Nacht and Tisbah Ala Khair <3
FRIEDA