Namaste! ,Good Day,Guten Tag and MasalALkhair to all my followers and soon-to-be followers out there!
I got some real good response on my last blog about that was about :-
"DUMB Men Decisions SMART Women Make" (Not stereotyping please) and I thought I should share my thoughts on another Epidemic a lot of Women face these days. Well, Men face it too but I'll get to that on a different post.... Wait for itttt !!!!
Ladies..Who pulls your purse strings??? Who plans your finances? Investments? Shopping Budgets?
How much you should spend at the salon?? Do you have a saving of your own?? Who decides if you can treat yourself when you need a little pampering and some alone time?? Who decides when you need a break and when you can have a break??
The answer to this question in my perspective and experience should be "I Do" still taking into consideration those around you and current circumstances..but it should still be "I Do" ...
Now I cant say much for the ladies out there who get whatever they want at their every beck and call from either their boyfriends, husbands, in-laws, parents and those who absolutely don't need to lift a finger.. however for those of us who have jobs..families..expectations..goals..careers etc, its a Different Ball Game Altogether...
I think I'm angry.. No I'm pissed offffff!! with the fact that so many women succumb to financial abuse in their relationships in different forms... Now Financial Abuse may seem like a strong legal term but it is not just that.. It starts at home in very small forms and finally leads to a form of Abuse...
I've got a couple scenarios here:
1. Your a working girl, married to your boyfriend of 5years and living together obviously.. You both earn, you live a life jointly, you spend together, save together, plan and invest together, and you're both quite happy with it cos maybe you save more cos your both involved in each others finances so the urge to spend isn't as much as it would be if you had the money all to yourself.
So far, it's a pretty ok picture... Now comes Part 2.
The man starts taking control of the finances, in the sense ofcourse treats your earnings and his earnings as one, hence you really dont play a part in the monthly cycle of clearing off bills, expenses, debts, living costs etc. He takes care of all of it and your doing alright. In face your relieved you don't have to do it yourself.
Then you literally come to a hand-to-mouth situation cos whenever you need money, cash, credit card etc you have to ask.. and when you ask..you have to explain..and after you explain..you need to justify...and during all this, he's busy talking you out of it, or telling you its not important or maybe you're just unable to do anything cos he just doesn't want to support you at the time..
When you get annoyed or angry and feel that your being denied what you deserve, you then realize that at that particular point of time, you don't have an option. Well, you do have an option and that's to talk it out and tell him if you want a change in the way things run.. or maybe you just leave.!!
What if none of this works? Hes determined he's the man in charge and wants to remain that way. He would like to have a complete account of what you spend, where, how much, why etc.. He does not think you need to be in control of your own finances. If you want to spend a day at the salon, he would probably like to give you a budget. If you want to do some shopping, he would probably tell you, "this month's not a good one, next month you can". Let's say you have parents whom you support from time to time financially and he does not think it's required that you do anymore of it since its now your job to support him and you as a family.
What do think Ladies?? Do you think this is a sign of a healthy relationship? Do you think it's right for a man to claim such ownership of what's your's , what you've worked hard for , what you deserve to tangibly feel when you need to ?
This article is not supporting selfishness or assuming that couples out there, split the rent, the food bill and everything else. It's about being in control of your individuality, your Life, your security and what makes you, YOU, without having to compromise at the cost of losing to a marriage or any relationship for that matter.
Now, there are many women out there who would say
" I like my man taking charge of everything around here as long as I get what I need" - I think that's being complacent and lazy"
Others might say
"I tend to spend a lot, so I think its better HE be in control of my finances"
I say ----- BULL SHIT !!!
If your working and earning and doing everything your man does, he has no right to lock down your finances and you are making a big mistake by letting him take over.
If you tend to spend a lot, there's something called a Piggy Bank or a Fixed Deposit or your Parents if it suits you...
2. Your married to a wonderful guy for the last 3 years and you and he have been used to HIM handling all your expenses and him taking care of literally both of your's lives . At the time you were much younger and felt fine being taken care of, but now you seem to want a sense of ownership and a sense of control of your life which would include your finances. Your husband isn't happy with this sudden change in you and feels as the head of the family its his job only to take care of all the finances and if and when you do need any for yourself, you need to ask.
When you say, you cant function that ways cos you don't want to have to ask , he would try and cripple you by not giving you money for any expenses or might give you less money or make you ask (beg) for Money.
I think I'm angry.. No I'm pissed offffff!! with the fact that so many women succumb to financial abuse in their relationships in different forms... Now Financial Abuse may seem like a strong legal term but it is not just that.. It starts at home in very small forms and finally leads to a form of Abuse...
I've got a couple scenarios here:
1. Your a working girl, married to your boyfriend of 5years and living together obviously.. You both earn, you live a life jointly, you spend together, save together, plan and invest together, and you're both quite happy with it cos maybe you save more cos your both involved in each others finances so the urge to spend isn't as much as it would be if you had the money all to yourself.
So far, it's a pretty ok picture... Now comes Part 2.
The man starts taking control of the finances, in the sense ofcourse treats your earnings and his earnings as one, hence you really dont play a part in the monthly cycle of clearing off bills, expenses, debts, living costs etc. He takes care of all of it and your doing alright. In face your relieved you don't have to do it yourself.
Then you literally come to a hand-to-mouth situation cos whenever you need money, cash, credit card etc you have to ask.. and when you ask..you have to explain..and after you explain..you need to justify...and during all this, he's busy talking you out of it, or telling you its not important or maybe you're just unable to do anything cos he just doesn't want to support you at the time..
When you get annoyed or angry and feel that your being denied what you deserve, you then realize that at that particular point of time, you don't have an option. Well, you do have an option and that's to talk it out and tell him if you want a change in the way things run.. or maybe you just leave.!!
What if none of this works? Hes determined he's the man in charge and wants to remain that way. He would like to have a complete account of what you spend, where, how much, why etc.. He does not think you need to be in control of your own finances. If you want to spend a day at the salon, he would probably like to give you a budget. If you want to do some shopping, he would probably tell you, "this month's not a good one, next month you can". Let's say you have parents whom you support from time to time financially and he does not think it's required that you do anymore of it since its now your job to support him and you as a family.
What do think Ladies?? Do you think this is a sign of a healthy relationship? Do you think it's right for a man to claim such ownership of what's your's , what you've worked hard for , what you deserve to tangibly feel when you need to ?
This article is not supporting selfishness or assuming that couples out there, split the rent, the food bill and everything else. It's about being in control of your individuality, your Life, your security and what makes you, YOU, without having to compromise at the cost of losing to a marriage or any relationship for that matter.
Now, there are many women out there who would say
" I like my man taking charge of everything around here as long as I get what I need" - I think that's being complacent and lazy"
Others might say
"I tend to spend a lot, so I think its better HE be in control of my finances"
I say ----- BULL SHIT !!!
If your working and earning and doing everything your man does, he has no right to lock down your finances and you are making a big mistake by letting him take over.
If you tend to spend a lot, there's something called a Piggy Bank or a Fixed Deposit or your Parents if it suits you...
2. Your married to a wonderful guy for the last 3 years and you and he have been used to HIM handling all your expenses and him taking care of literally both of your's lives . At the time you were much younger and felt fine being taken care of, but now you seem to want a sense of ownership and a sense of control of your life which would include your finances. Your husband isn't happy with this sudden change in you and feels as the head of the family its his job only to take care of all the finances and if and when you do need any for yourself, you need to ask.
When you say, you cant function that ways cos you don't want to have to ask , he would try and cripple you by not giving you money for any expenses or might give you less money or make you ask (beg) for Money.
No personal bank accounts. No debit card. No savings accounts. No checking account. All money comes from one source. The working partner.
He Threatens to leave or deny financial support knowing that you are unable to support herself without the finances of her partner.
What you gotta do about this ?
- LEAVE - Plan your way swiftly or slowly out of such a relationship. Relationships like this most of the time wouldn't work cos so much is based on power.
- Reach out to trusted friends and relatives.
- Skim Money from wherever - every penny adds up - Open a bank account and stash money up.
- Establish Credit
- Get a Job and Get Out.
Now Ladies, this might be your last option after trying everything to make it work and as hard as it sounds and it is.... you've gotta do it.. This is FINANCIAL ABUSE at it's peak.
All In All, I strongly want to reach out to all the women out there, whether your working, whether your a housewife, a live-in girlfriend - BE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE - and your FINANCES. We all know how difficult it is to make a livelihood, last thing you need is a man making it worse for you.
He may love you, and may want to spend the rest of his life with you, but a man who cripples you and who thinks of the relationship as a POWER Game is not a man at all.
This is a sensitive matter to many and on hearing so many stories about such women and their lives makes me want to dedicate this to every woman out there.
Make sure you know what your doing. Never give up full control of anything in your life.
I want you to share your story if you have one and I want to know what you think about this particular article and i welcome suggestions of what you want to discuss next time.
Until then,
Namaste!, Good Night, Guten Nacht & Tisbah Ala Khair <3
Frieda thanks for writing such a wonderful article. One can relate so much to this. I love you for this.....each and every bit of it is a fact and will never change until and unless we help ourself. Thanks for putting it all together.
ReplyDeleteNatasha Darling.... Most Welcome..... One of the reasons I write is so I can share these things which is very important for every woman to know..
ReplyDeleteYou got the point so perfectly - Nothin wil change on its own..you gotta help yourself.. once you do that... you don't need anything else...and once your in control..everyone's happy <3